Rage Against The Machine
I suffer from a particular kind of insanity. I believe the world should be a good place, where people want to do what is right and good. However, like Solomon, all I find is vanity, corrupt politicians, greedy corporations, ignorant religions, and self-centered people. Therefore I must be insane. Perhaps I just have too much time on my hands to think about things. I see people doing what they have to do every day, like working at their jobs, taking care of kids, and I wonder if they ever wonder why the world is so fucked up.
It builds up a rage in me and I wonder just how much we humans can collectively take of the bullshit that goes on around us every day. Then I’m reminded that not everyone feels the way I feel about it, thus my self diagnosis: insanity. I wonder why people don’t take up torches and pitchforks and storm down Wall Street on a killing rampage. Or why millions of Americans don’t surround the halls of Congress and rip the throats out of all the rats who daily sell us down the river.
Once I thought that it was just a byproduct of aging. I’m 53 now and maybe you get jaded as you get older, but I remember when I was 16 years old thinking the exact same thing. I even went so far as to pack my bags and prepare to find some south Pacific island where I would spend the rest of my life alone. Imagine how pissed I was to find that there are no uninhabited south Pacific islands, unless you like living somewhere the Navy uses as a shooting range.
I’m forced to think that I’ve always been this way, and it’s a mystery to me why that is. What happened to me in my childhood that was so hard to take or understand that it made me into this anomaly of a person? I suspect there are others who feel likewise, but I’m not sure. Most people just get comfy deep in the rabbit’s fur, but I stand atop one hair with my arms stretched out seeking something, but I don’t know what.
People tell me to chill out and accept that this is the way the world is. They say get some help, see a therapist. Well let me tell you, I will not chill out, and I’d rather zone out on drugs than let some headshrinker lull me into acceptance of what appears to me to be pure evil. I’ll never accept it, and I won’t chill out about it. My integrity is the only thing I have and I simply won’t let it go until I die.
I don’t believe in God, especially the Christian God. Don’t get me wrong, I wish it were true, I wish there were some being out there who will make everything right. A reckoning needs to happen. But I look at what their belief is based upon and it just doesn’t make any sense. I look at Christians and only find more vanity, self-centeredness, and evil. They aren’t any different than the rest of the world, maybe a bit more ignorant, but everyone who finds some sugar coating for the evil that surrounds us is ignorant in my opinion. Reality is real and if you don’t deal with it then you get the world we live in; a shithole.
So my choices are simple, either live with the rage inside, find something to distract me from it, or die. I’ll die eventually, and zoning out isn’t possible for me, so I guess I’m just left with living with it.
I’d sure like to know that I’m not alone though.